Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My "New Normal"

I have been in an awful mood all day. All week really, and while I thought it was b/c it was the first Christmas since my mom passed away, I realized that wasn't really it. It's b/c the 29th marks 6 months since my mom died.
"my mom died" is still such a weird thing to say. doesn't feel real. yet, after 6 months it is slowly becoming the "new normal" that everyone told me to expect.
"Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be normal ever again. You'll find a new normal."
I hated those people. Yet... 6 months later and here it is.
Normal or "new normal" doesn't mean what I thought they meant. I am not happy, I am not okay, I am sure as hell not over it.

Let me tell you a little bit about my new normal.
  • Crying. It has become perfectly normal to cry every single day for 6 months straight. 
  • I have come to realize that what I thought was anxiety and panic attacks was really just the tip of the iceberg. Anxiety levels of about a 6 have become my "new normal"
  •  It's now normal to feel like no one on the entire planet can possibly understand what has happened. 
  • Fear of phone calls and the inability to reach someone by phone for fear that it means something horrible has happened is totally normal. ( I think I finally understand why my mother in law always answers the phone with "what happened??")
  • Accepting that i'm totally helpless and cannot protect or save anyone or anything I love, normal. 
  • People looking at me with *that* look, the "that poor girl" look has become normal. 
  • People appologizing for saying the words "mom, mother, mommy" is also part of my new normal. 
This list could go on forever, and I'm not trying to worry anyone or get sympathy from anyone. I'm sure that eventually there will be another "new normal" for me. But people were right, eventually a new routine starts to develop and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love the person or miss them with all your heart, it means you have gotten some of their strength to help you through. You do what you have to do to survive. Grief comes in waves, some are bigger and stronger than others, but when you hit the crest of the biggest and scariest wave, you can see the miles of calm ocean behind it and know that you'll make it through.

For all of you who have lost someone close to you, I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I'd love it if you'd be willing to share a few words about them, or about your grief process in the comments or if you'd prefer, by email. No normal, new or otherwise, is doable without support.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Are you my mother?

As my loyal readers can tell you, my baby girl Jasmine has had a bit of an identity crisis since she was a puppy. People have always compared her to a deer, and well, sometimes she gets confused. Last year we sent out a Christmas card with her next to her favorite thing in the apartment. A stuffed deer that she would lay next to, cuddle with, and drag around the apartment. (being an antique collectible deer we put a stop to the dragging right away.) I added antlers to her in this photo but even without them, the likeness is undeniable.

This year, Jasmine is a little bit older, and I thought maybe just maybe this would be the right time to introduce her to some of her "family" members. She was very excited and super well behaved and while I didn't get any amazing photos, I did capture a couple of cute moments. 
Jasmine meeting Comet and Prancer:

Have your children ever met a real life reindeer?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The New Me!

The past 6 months have been... trying, to say the least. So much has changed and a lot of the time it has felt like things were spinning completely out of control. When I start to feel like I've lost control of my life I have a long standing habit of changing the one thing I have complete control of. My hair. Usually I just dye it, or cut it, but under the circumstances neither of those seemed like enough. SO, I chopped it all off and dyed it red.

What do you think?

Oh, and I've also started getting my nails done again. I always feel much more lady like when my nails are done.

What do you do when the world seems to be getting a little too chaotic?