"my mom died" is still such a weird thing to say. doesn't feel real. yet, after 6 months it is slowly becoming the "new normal" that everyone told me to expect.
"Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be normal ever again. You'll find a new normal."
I hated those people. Yet... 6 months later and here it is.
Normal or "new normal" doesn't mean what I thought they meant. I am not happy, I am not okay, I am sure as hell not over it.
Let me tell you a little bit about my new normal.
- Crying. It has become perfectly normal to cry every single day for 6 months straight.
- I have come to realize that what I thought was anxiety and panic attacks was really just the tip of the iceberg. Anxiety levels of about a 6 have become my "new normal"
- It's now normal to feel like no one on the entire planet can possibly understand what has happened.
- Fear of phone calls and the inability to reach someone by phone for fear that it means something horrible has happened is totally normal. ( I think I finally understand why my mother in law always answers the phone with "what happened??")
- Accepting that i'm totally helpless and cannot protect or save anyone or anything I love, normal.
- People looking at me with *that* look, the "that poor girl" look has become normal.
- People appologizing for saying the words "mom, mother, mommy" is also part of my new normal.
For all of you who have lost someone close to you, I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I'd love it if you'd be willing to share a few words about them, or about your grief process in the comments or if you'd prefer, by email. No normal, new or otherwise, is doable without support.