Proud to be Me Day 1 and Day 2

For the month of November I have teamed up with several of my social media friends in a "Proud to be Me" campaign. 
I will be following the daily prompts and will be spreading out my replies between this blog, my facebook page, twitter, and instagram. I hope you will follow along and tell the world why you are proud to be you. Use #proudtobeme to participate.

Nov. 1 – I love my (personality trait)
Nov. 2 – I’m proud that I ________

I love my compassion for animals. Animals mean so much to me and are so innocent and vulnerable.  I love that I am not the type of person who sees an injured bird and leaves it there. I will do whatever it takes to nurse that bird back to health and if it doesn't make it, I will cry as if it was a well loved family pet. 

I am proud that I keep going. There are days that seem almost impossible to manage. Between my anxiety and depression and low self esteem I often think/feel that I can't do something. I am proud that I have learned to not let these voices/feelings control me. I am proud that I completed my half marathon when others thought I couldn't/wouldn't. I am proud that I can take the bus to work even though it causes a panic attack now and then. I am proud that I fight my inner demons and don't let them win. 

So tell me, what do you love about yourself? What are you proud of?

Transformation Tuesday - Week 1

My friends and family know that I LOVE social media. I love it. It gives me a chance to show the world the me that I see. I get to edit my life into a story that reflects what I want the world to see while allowing me to see the world of others that they want me to see. It's all very carefully crafted whether most people wish to admit it or not. This is not to say that I only show my good side, far from it. Some days I am overly dramatic because I need the internet to give me a big old hug and tell me that I'm special. It happens. If I didn't want attention I wouldn't have a facebook, twitter, instagram, or this blog. 

The thing is though over the past few months I have realized that the editing I've been doing hasn't been because I don't want the rest of the world to see me a certain way. It's because I didn't like seeing me a certain way. I was embarassed, or despressed, or something... I don't know. But I wasn't hiding from YOU. I was hiding from me. 

I've been using the transformation Tuesday hashtag for months now. "Well then Lady Hill," you may ask,  "why are you calling this post Week 1?"

This is week one of my mental and emotional transformation not just the physical.
As the weight came off you'd think I would be able to see it. You'd think that I felt good or sexy or at least empowered. I haven't. I still see the same "fat girl" I've been seeing for the past few years. 

I took a chance. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and purchase a new bathing suit. It's the first 2 piece bathing suit I have owned since I was 21 years old.
It's cute right??

While I may not be at the point of being comfortable enough to post photos of me in it on the internet, I was comfortable enough to wear it out of the fitting room and into the middle of Nordstrom to show Lord Hill how it fit. I took that as a sign to mean it was meant to be and realized just how far I had come physically and emotionally over the last 6 months. 

We were cleaning out our bedroom and donating clothes and it was so amazing to be able to donate clothing that didn't fit because it was too big. I decided to hold on to 2 pairs of shorts because I don't really own others and they had fit in Disney back in January. Well, it was hot the other day so I decided to put a pair on. It fell right off! I tried on the second pair and they were huge too.

I couldn't find a photo of me wearing them in January since I spent most of that trip in bed with the Flu (blech) but this is me wearing the shorts in 2011 next to a photo of me wearing them this week.

This is the photo from my previous blog post. I know not all of you follow me on instagram.

If you don't already follow me on instagram, you should. Go find @ladyhill and show me some love.

Finding comfort in my skin

I posted a photo on Instagram last night. I was feeling pretty good about the fact that a pair of shorts I've had for years had to be donated because they didn't fit. They were huge. I took a photo in the style of those weight loss ads. "then vs now" 

I felt good. I was proud. I posted it.

All day long I have felt anxious about it being up there. I have been embarrassed and felt like I shouldn't have posted it.

The photo only got 5 "likes" all but one of which were from strangers. This did not help my anxiety or self esteem. Sure, the time of the post could have had something to do with it. The day of the week. Whatever. But in my head it's because I am fat/ugly/scarred/ and just unpleasant to look at. No one "favorites" "likes" or "double taps" the ugly, fat, scarred chick. 

When I got home I contemplated deleting the image. I had every intention of doing so. Then I saw an image of someone larger than me doing almost the exact same thing as me. You know what? I double tapped that photo so fast my thumb almost blistered. I was so proud of her! She looked amazing. I got sad and hoped that she didn't look at herself the way I look at MYself. I hope she sees the progress, the determination, the hope, and the beauty that I see when I look at her photo. 

Then I realized that maybe she (or someone like her) was thinking the same thing about me. Even if just one of those 5 people who took the time to "like" my photo felt that way... What would it mean if I took it down?

So I left it up. For the world to see. For the world to judge. It's there. The before photo was from 2011 but the shorts for last summer. They were a size 11. I said goodbye to them yesterday. Today I said goodbye to the fear.

Follow me on Instagram @ladyhill to see the photo.

I did it!

I went from being lazy to being a lady with a race medal!

This month I accomplished something that no one, including myself, ever thought I would let alone could do.

I ran. In a race. I finished. I didn't even come in last. The craziest part? I enjoyed it so much that I plan on doing more races and running further! 

What made it even more amazing to me was that I completed the race exactly 1 week after being released from the hospital. I have been sick. Not "omg I'm dying" sick, but sick enough that I have been having blood tests, ultra sounds, cat scans, and more invasive tests since September. I spent New Year's Eve and New Year's Day (as well as some time before and after) in the hospital.

Crossing that finish line was such an incredible feeling. There are no words that I know that can accurately describe it. The moment after I crossed the finish line and was handed my finisher's medal I became so overwhelmed with emotion that I cried. 

I want to thank all of you who have accompanied me on this journey. Thank you for the support, for the laughs, for everything. I hope you will continue on with me because I'm still lazy, and this lady still has a long way to go.