I'm sure most of you aware that my mother passed away from cancer in June of 2011. For those of you who didn't know, well, now you do.
I have been struggling to find peace with this loss and recently discovered something that I believe will help me heal. The American Cancer Society's Relay for Life.
There is a local event on June 29th, the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. I will be there to walk for her, in honor and memory of her. I will also walk in honor of my aunt who is fighting cancer now, and for my dad who beat cancer a few years ago. I will walk for all of them, and for all of us who have lost someone near and dear to them to that awful C word.
You can help in several ways. You can visit my team page and either join the team and walk with us, or if you aren't local you can donate. Please visit the link and share it with your friends and family. http://main.acsevents.org/goto/margehughesmemorial
You can also visit Magical Expressions on Etsy and purchase one of the Relay for Life prints. All proceeds from these items will be donated to the Relay for Life - American Cancer Society fund.
Chad is a great guy who does amazing work. I am actually hosting a giveaway for a gift certificate for his shop over at Lady In Wonderland right now. Head over there and enter to win, but also visit his shop and purchase an item to help a good cause.
I have been in an awful mood all day. All week really, and while I thought it was b/c it was the first Christmas since my mom passed away, I realized that wasn't really it. It's b/c the 29th marks 6 months since my mom died.
"my mom died" is still such a weird thing to say. doesn't feel real. yet, after 6 months it is slowly becoming the "new normal" that everyone told me to expect.
"Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be normal ever again. You'll find a new normal."
I hated those people. Yet... 6 months later and here it is.
Normal or "new normal" doesn't mean what I thought they meant. I am not happy, I am not okay, I am sure as hell not over it.
Let me tell you a little bit about my new normal.
Crying. It has become perfectly normal to cry every single day for 6 months straight.
I have come to realize that what I thought was anxiety and panic attacks was really just the tip of the iceberg. Anxiety levels of about a 6 have become my "new normal"
It's now normal to feel like no one on the entire planet can possibly understand what has happened.
Fear of phone calls and the inability to reach someone by phone for fear that it means something horrible has happened is totally normal. ( I think I finally understand why my mother in law always answers the phone with "what happened??")
Accepting that i'm totally helpless and cannot protect or save anyone or anything I love, normal.
People looking at me with *that* look, the "that poor girl" look has become normal.
People appologizing for saying the words "mom, mother, mommy" is also part of my new normal.
This list could go on forever, and I'm not trying to worry anyone or get sympathy from anyone. I'm sure that eventually there will be another "new normal" for me. But people were right, eventually a new routine starts to develop and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love the person or miss them with all your heart, it means you have gotten some of their strength to help you through. You do what you have to do to survive. Grief comes in waves, some are bigger and stronger than others, but when you hit the crest of the biggest and scariest wave, you can see the miles of calm ocean behind it and know that you'll make it through.
For all of you who have lost someone close to you, I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I'd love it if you'd be willing to share a few words about them, or about your grief process in the comments or if you'd prefer, by email. No normal, new or otherwise, is doable without support.
My nephew Brady's birthday party today. It was fabulous and I ate way too much delicious food. My sister in law makes the most amazing home made mac & cheese. I promise to get the recipe to share it with you at a later date. I got to spend time with adorable kids and get lots of sticky hugs and kisses. I got to wish my oldest niece a happy 17th birthday (which was bittersweet all on it's own, where did my little girl who hid under the table eating cookies go and who is this young woman who took her place!?!?).
I had fun, but my heart could not ignore the fact that someone was missing.
To make it even harder, today is the anniversary of the day that Tango went into the emergency clinic. Tonight around 3am will be the anniversary of his death. My heart is breaking all over again just thinking about him. If you are new to this blog, Tango was the best little dog in the world. He WAS my world. You can read about his passing and the impact it had on me here. You can see 5 awesome photos of him here.
I made the decision to see a grief counselor to help me learn how to cope with my mom's death. She told me that grief is like waves, some waves are bigger than others, but that doesn't mean we have to drown. She also reminded me that waves come in, but then they go out. Sometimes they are big, and sometimes they are small. I realized that waves even if they are tiny, always hit the shore, so the grief will never go away, but at some point it will be managable. Well, today was like a tsunami. I wasn't quite sure I was going to get through it, but like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I just hope the "sea" is calmer tomorrow, because treading water is getting exhausting.
It breaks my heart to tell you all, but my mother passed away early Wednesday morning. Her long, hard, painful battle with cancer is over and she is now at peace.
My mom was the bravest, strongest, person I have ever known. I doubt I will ever meet another who's courage could match hers.
She was my very best friend. My mommy. I find comfort in the knowledge that if I am in this kind of pain, it means she no longer is.
Go hug your children and your mothers.
This photo was taken on her birthday this past March in Downtown Disney. I think it's the last photo ever taken of us together. I'm so glad we did that trip.
I have been sick for days now. Literally only leaving bed to go to the couch or the bathroom. Food and drink refuse to stay in me, always making the most violent escape possible. My head is killing me and my mouth has sores from the fever. I'm hot and cold at the same time and these body aches are going to be the death of me.
Thank goodness for wireless internet so that when I'm not drowning in a fever haze I can play Farmville, whine on Facebook, and blog about my condition.
What I really want to be doing is sleeping on the couch in my parents' den with my head on my mommy's lap and my feet on my daddy. A cup of half drank tea on the snack table accompanied by a few un-eaten saltine crackers....
This is the worst part about being an adult.
Don't get me wrong, Lord Hill does a fabulous job of taking care of me. He did a ton of running back and forth before the flu grabbed a hold of him yesterday.
But, there is something about being sick that literally makes my shaky voice say "I want my mommy!"
With her being as sick as she is, this has really hit home harder than ever. At least I can call her and whine and have her shush me and calm me down. One day, hopefully not for a long long time, I won't have that option any more. It really makes me appreciate her and all the moms out there who sacrifice their own health and put their own ailments aside to take care of their kids.
How do you decide whether or not to share personal information on your blog? How do you decide whether the support of your readers and friends outweighs the fact that your family may be reading and find out things they did not know? How do you keep them from being upset? How do you know when something is supposed to be a secret? Have you ever been afraid that once you put it on your blog it suddenly becomes real? That you can't take it back and that once it's out in the universe there is no turning back? How do you face the fear that people will think you're writing about something just to get attention when really all you're looking for is support?
I guess I'm about to find out.
My mom has cancer. I may have mentioned it in passing over the past year or so, it's not the first time she has had cancer. She battled lung cancer when I was little, and melanoma when I was a bit older. She has survived massive heart attacks and diabetes. But this cancer is fighting back. This cancer is being a real asshole. A stage iv asshole to be exact.
I am angry. No, that doesn't quite do it justice. The anger I feel burns so hot I feel like I may explode. I want to scream. All the time. I want to punch walls. I want to break everything that I see. Yet, I silently cry myself to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night mid silent scream, and let the silent tears roll down my cheek throughout the day. With all this anger and sadness and fear that is just ready to explode, I am unusually quiet.
I have never felt more alone. While my husband and friends have been great, quick to offer "anything at all" in an effort to help. The only thing I need they can't provide. A mom that isn't sick.
I try to paste a smile on my face, keep a laugh in my voice, but I find it turning to a scowel, the laugh to an edge and I feel myself pushing people away.
I want to be like some of my fellow bloggers who are dealing with cancer in their lives who always talk about their faith in God and are always so positive and inspiring but I just don't know how. I don't understand how some of these women even get out of bed every day let alone find the time or the strength to make me laugh. Currently they are even making me angry and bitter.
This sucks. A friend said that to me today and it was one of the best things anyone has said at all. THIS SUCKS. It's so simple, yet so fitting and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops.
The only thing I ask is for prayers and good vibes for my mother. Don't waste time or effort or prayers on me b/c she needs your thoughts a hell of a lot more than I do right now. I know I made this post all about me, and how I'm feeling, but it is my blog isn't it?
Also, wear sun screen, stop going tanning, wear hats and long sleeves in the sun and get an annual screening for skin cancer. Go to ccmac.org for more information.
