FLYing Again

I disappeared again. If you know me in real life, you know I do this. It's not something I control, I never know it's happening while it's happening.
I have really been struggling through the past few years to maintain some kind of tangible sanity. The last few months specifically I fought a depressive episode with every cell of my being. There were days that I honestly didn't think I would make it.

Thankfully I have a support system in place and when I hit rock bottom I was given the support to do what needed to be done to get myself back.

I quit my full time job. It had to be done. When you start to casually think that getting hit by a bus as you cross the street wouldn't be so bad because at least you wouldn't  have to go to work, it's a pretty good sign that the job you're going to might not be the best job for you.
All of the pixie dust in the world couldn't change just how NOT okay I was.

My husband fully supports my desire to focus solely on my travel business full time. This will give me the ability to work from home, or from wherever I happen to be. It allows me quality time with my husband and the rest of my family and that connection is something I desperately need right now.

My anxiety has gone from severe to mild almost immediately. I was getting sick every day, taking xanax 3 times a day just to get out of and stay out of bed. All I did was sleep and work and in between I was miserable.

I have taken xanax twice since July 25th. One was when my brother called and said my dad had a heart attack and the other was after witnessing a teenage girl get mugged right outside my apartment window. Talk about a change of life!!

It's time to take back my life. I am diving head first into the Fly Lady program again. So far, so good.

My sink is shiny and bright , and so is my future.

Transformation Tuesday - Week 1

My friends and family know that I LOVE social media. I love it. It gives me a chance to show the world the me that I see. I get to edit my life into a story that reflects what I want the world to see while allowing me to see the world of others that they want me to see. It's all very carefully crafted whether most people wish to admit it or not. This is not to say that I only show my good side, far from it. Some days I am overly dramatic because I need the internet to give me a big old hug and tell me that I'm special. It happens. If I didn't want attention I wouldn't have a facebook, twitter, instagram, or this blog. 

The thing is though over the past few months I have realized that the editing I've been doing hasn't been because I don't want the rest of the world to see me a certain way. It's because I didn't like seeing me a certain way. I was embarassed, or despressed, or something... I don't know. But I wasn't hiding from YOU. I was hiding from me. 

I've been using the transformation Tuesday hashtag for months now. "Well then Lady Hill," you may ask,  "why are you calling this post Week 1?"

This is week one of my mental and emotional transformation not just the physical.
As the weight came off you'd think I would be able to see it. You'd think that I felt good or sexy or at least empowered. I haven't. I still see the same "fat girl" I've been seeing for the past few years. 

I took a chance. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and purchase a new bathing suit. It's the first 2 piece bathing suit I have owned since I was 21 years old.
It's cute right??

While I may not be at the point of being comfortable enough to post photos of me in it on the internet, I was comfortable enough to wear it out of the fitting room and into the middle of Nordstrom to show Lord Hill how it fit. I took that as a sign to mean it was meant to be and realized just how far I had come physically and emotionally over the last 6 months. 

We were cleaning out our bedroom and donating clothes and it was so amazing to be able to donate clothing that didn't fit because it was too big. I decided to hold on to 2 pairs of shorts because I don't really own others and they had fit in Disney back in January. Well, it was hot the other day so I decided to put a pair on. It fell right off! I tried on the second pair and they were huge too.

I couldn't find a photo of me wearing them in January since I spent most of that trip in bed with the Flu (blech) but this is me wearing the shorts in 2011 next to a photo of me wearing them this week.

This is the photo from my previous blog post. I know not all of you follow me on instagram.

If you don't already follow me on instagram, you should. Go find @ladyhill and show me some love.

Progress

This is a side by side of January 2009 and January 2014.

I have been on and off the weightloss bandwagon since 2006. I never really tried anything serious and always have up.

Being depressed makes it hard to follow through with things and being over weight makes me depressed. The cycle felt never ending.

To be honest, I've been sick since sometime in 2013. A few ER visits, CT scans, blood tests, ultra sounds, and a recent hospital stay over New Year's Eve with biopsies, surgical procedures etc and I still don't know what I'm sick with.

It's depressing. 

So instead of laying in bed and being miserable I decided to "look on the sunny side" and use this mystery illness as a jump point for my weight loss journey. 

I will find some photos that are a bit more recent to show you the real current progress with the weight but these photos serve a different purpose. 

Look at me on the left. I'm in Disney for the first time in over a decade and while I was ecstatic to be there Inhated having my picture taken. I think it shows. 

Look at me on the right. I look like a totally different person. 

I feel like a different person. 

I am on my way to being the LADY I've always wanted to be, MYSELF.