Relay for Life

I'm sure most of you aware that my mother passed away from cancer in June of 2011. For those of you who didn't know, well, now you do.

I have been struggling to find peace with this loss and recently discovered something that I believe will help me heal. The American Cancer Society's Relay for Life.

There is a local event on June 29th, the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. I will be there to walk for her, in honor and memory of her. I will also walk in honor of my aunt who is fighting cancer now, and for my dad who beat cancer a few years ago. I will walk for all of them, and for all of us who have lost someone near and dear to them to that awful C word.

You can help in several ways. You can visit my team page and either join the team and walk with us, or if you aren't local you can donate. Please visit the link and share it with your friends and family. http://main.acsevents.org/goto/margehughesmemorial

You can also visit Magical Expressions on Etsy and purchase one of the Relay for Life prints. All proceeds from these items will be donated to the Relay for Life - American Cancer Society fund.
Chad is a great guy who does amazing work. I am actually hosting a giveaway for a gift certificate for his shop over at Lady In Wonderland right now. Head over there and enter to win, but also visit his shop and purchase an item to help a good cause. 

Who would you walk for?

My "New Normal"

I have been in an awful mood all day. All week really, and while I thought it was b/c it was the first Christmas since my mom passed away, I realized that wasn't really it. It's b/c the 29th marks 6 months since my mom died.
"my mom died" is still such a weird thing to say. doesn't feel real. yet, after 6 months it is slowly becoming the "new normal" that everyone told me to expect.
"Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be normal ever again. You'll find a new normal."
I hated those people. Yet... 6 months later and here it is.
Normal or "new normal" doesn't mean what I thought they meant. I am not happy, I am not okay, I am sure as hell not over it.

Let me tell you a little bit about my new normal.

• Crying. It has become perfectly normal to cry every single day for 6 months straight. 
• I have come to realize that what I thought was anxiety and panic attacks was really just the tip of the iceberg. Anxiety levels of about a 6 have become my "new normal"
•  It's now normal to feel like no one on the entire planet can possibly understand what has happened. 
• Fear of phone calls and the inability to reach someone by phone for fear that it means something horrible has happened is totally normal. ( I think I finally understand why my mother in law always answers the phone with "what happened??")
• Accepting that i'm totally helpless and cannot protect or save anyone or anything I love, normal. 
• People looking at me with *that* look, the "that poor girl" look has become normal. 
• People appologizing for saying the words "mom, mother, mommy" is also part of my new normal. 

This list could go on forever, and I'm not trying to worry anyone or get sympathy from anyone. I'm sure that eventually there will be another "new normal" for me. But people were right, eventually a new routine starts to develop and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love the person or miss them with all your heart, it means you have gotten some of their strength to help you through. You do what you have to do to survive. Grief comes in waves, some are bigger and stronger than others, but when you hit the crest of the biggest and scariest wave, you can see the miles of calm ocean behind it and know that you'll make it through.

For all of you who have lost someone close to you, I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I'd love it if you'd be willing to share a few words about them, or about your grief process in the comments or if you'd prefer, by email. No normal, new or otherwise, is doable without support.

Big Waves Don't Mean You Are Going to Drown

My nephew Brady's birthday party today. It was fabulous and I ate way too much delicious food. My sister in law makes the most amazing home made mac & cheese. I promise to get the recipe to share it with you at a later date. I got to spend time with adorable kids and get lots of sticky hugs and kisses. I got to wish my oldest niece a happy 17th birthday (which was bittersweet all on it's own, where did my little girl who hid under the table eating cookies go and who is this young woman who took her place!?!?). 

I had fun, but my heart could not ignore the fact that someone was missing.

To make it even harder, today is the anniversary of the day that Tango went into the emergency clinic. Tonight around 3am will be the anniversary of his death. My heart is breaking all over again just thinking about him. If you are new to this blog, Tango was the best little dog in the world. He WAS my world. You can read about his passing and the impact it had on me here. You can see 5 awesome photos of him here.

I made the decision to see a grief counselor to help me learn how to cope with my mom's death. She told me that grief is like waves, some waves are bigger than others, but that doesn't mean we have to drown. She also reminded me that waves come in, but then they go out. Sometimes they are big, and sometimes they are small. I realized that waves even if they are tiny, always hit the shore, so the grief will never go away, but at some point it will be managable. Well, today was like a tsunami. I wasn't quite sure I was going to get through it, but like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I just hope the "sea" is calmer tomorrow, because treading water is getting exhausting. 

My mom passed away

It breaks my heart to tell you all, but my mother passed away early Wednesday morning. Her long, hard, painful battle with cancer is over and she is now at peace.

My mom was the bravest, strongest, person I have ever known. I doubt I will ever meet another who's courage could match hers.

She was my very best friend. My mommy. I find comfort in the knowledge that if I am in this kind of pain, it means she no longer is.

Go hug your children and your mothers.

This photo was taken on her birthday this past March in Downtown Disney. I think it's the last photo ever taken of us together. I'm so glad we did that trip.

Happy Father's Day

In light of recent events, it has been hard for me to find time to write. My mother isn't doing as well as I'd like, and in fact she is spending the night in ICU. I wanted to write a post for my dad for father's day but I keep getting too choked up to get anything good out. So instead, I'm going to direct you to my father's day post from 2009.

My dad is my hero, my rock, my first love. No man will ever be able to fill his shoes, but my husband has all of my dad's best qualities. It saddens me that my father is spending the night alone, while the love of his life lays in a hospital bed, and there is nothing I can do to make things right. All I can do is tell you how amazing he is and send a prayer up to heaven to hopefully help him get the sleep that I cannot seem to find.

Please CLICK HERE to read about my amazing dad.

Happy Father's Day!

Spend Quality Time With the Kids Without Spending Money

AMF has a FREE bowling program for kids this summer. 
From May 30th-September 5th children who are registered for the program can bowl 2 FREE games EVERY DAY.

It's a great way to spend some time with the kids without spending money.

They also have a pass for $27.95 that is good for 2 games per day for up to 4 adults when you go with a child registered for the free bowling.

Check it out!

http://freebowling.amf.com

Did I mention that it's FREE?! 


I can't wait to take my nieces and nephews!

Can't Catch A Break

my poor mom, can't catch a friggin break. She is back in the hospital after having a very bad scare a few weeks ago. For those of you who are new to the blog, my mom is battling stage IV melanoma. She is participating in a drug trial that has had some amazing results. I couldn't be happier about how well that treatment is working.

Unfortunately, it is a chemo treatment and has weakened her immune system. She is in the hospital with shingles and will probably be there about a week if everything goes well. Hopefully she will be home in time for Easter dinner and if we're lucky maybe she will be home for Good Friday for our traditional shrimp dinner with the whole family.

Here is a picture of me, my mom, and my dad taken a couple of weeks ago when we were on vacation in Florida. This was taken on the Characters In Flight balloon ride at Downtown Disney.

Please say a prayer for my mom.

Blessed

It's so easy to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. To sit and say "oh my, I'm so tired, work is kicking my butt, I have no time for my friends, I have no time to cook, I have no time to go see my mom. Wah, whoa is me"

I would like to take a minute and say that I am truly blessed.
2010 was a really hard year for me. My mom's cancer, losing my job, losing Tango, family drama, dealing with fibromyalgia... you name it, it sucked.
I really let it get to me. I got to the point where I just couldn't take any more, had a major panic attack and almost ended up back in the hospital because of it.

2011 is going to be different. My mom still has cancer, I still miss Tango, and I'm still bitter about what happened at my last job. The difference will be with me, and how I respond and react to my life. 2011 is going to be about positive attitudes.

Thank God, I have a job.
Thank God, I have friends. Great friends. This might be the first time in my life when I can actually say that and mean it.
Thank God, I have food in my fridge and do not need to go hungry.
Thank God, my mom is still here. I am so grateful for every minute that God gives me with her.
Thank God, I have family that loves me. Drama or not, I never have to question whether I am loved.
Thank God for my daddy. He is my rock. 
Thank God for giving me the years I had with Tango. For letting me help him know what it felt like to be loved. For giving me a little ball of unconditional love in return. For teaching me patience. For bringing me to a point in my life where I would get Jasmine.
Thank God for Jasmine. Without her, I may never have gotten out of my funk last year. She has given me a reason to get out of bed every morning.
Thank God for Petey and Bella and McDuff. My children.  Fur, or feathers, paws, or claws, my loves.
Thank God, for Disney World. For at least 8 days a year I get to just be. I get to live in my fantasy land, and be the Princess I know I am, see the world, and be a kid again.

Thank God for my amazing husband, who can always make me laugh, and makes me feel like a princess every single day.

What are you thankful for? Do you think your attitude can impact your future?

the flu sucks

I have been sick for days now. Literally only leaving bed to go to the couch or the bathroom. Food and drink refuse to stay in me, always making the most violent escape possible. My head is killing me and my mouth has sores from the fever. I'm hot and cold at the same time and these body aches are going to be the death of me.

Thank goodness for wireless internet so that when I'm not drowning in a fever haze I can play Farmville, whine on Facebook, and blog about my condition.

What I really want to be doing is sleeping on the couch in my parents' den with my head on my mommy's lap and my feet on my daddy. A cup of half drank tea on the snack table accompanied by a few un-eaten saltine crackers....

This is the worst part about being an adult.

Don't get me wrong, Lord Hill does a fabulous job of taking care of me. He did a ton of running back and forth before the flu grabbed a hold of him yesterday.

But, there is something about being sick that literally makes my shaky voice say "I want my mommy!"

With her being as sick as she is, this has really hit home harder than ever. At least I can call her and whine and have her shush me and calm me down. One day, hopefully not for a long long time, I won't have that option any more. It really makes me appreciate her and all the moms out there who sacrifice their own health and put their own ailments aside to take care of their kids.

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To blog or not to blog...

that is the question right now.

How do you decide whether or not to share personal information on your blog? How do you decide whether the support of your readers and friends outweighs the fact that your family may be reading and find out things they did not know? How do you keep them from being upset? How do you know when something is supposed to be a secret? Have you ever been afraid that once you put it on your blog it suddenly becomes real? That you can't take it back and that once it's out in the universe there is no turning back? How do you face the fear that people will think you're writing about something just to get attention when really all you're looking for is support?

I guess I'm about to find out.

My mom has cancer. I may have mentioned it in passing over the past year or so, it's not the first time she has had cancer. She battled lung cancer when I was little, and melanoma when I was a bit older. She has survived massive heart attacks and diabetes. But this cancer is fighting back. This cancer is being a real asshole. A stage iv asshole to be exact.

I am angry. No, that doesn't quite do it justice. The anger I feel burns so hot I feel like I may explode. I want to scream. All the time. I want to punch walls. I want to break everything that I see. Yet, I silently cry myself to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night mid silent scream, and let the silent tears roll down my cheek throughout the day. With all this anger and sadness and fear that is just ready to explode, I am unusually quiet.

I have never felt more alone. While my husband and friends have been great, quick to offer "anything at all" in an effort to help. The only thing I need they can't provide. A mom that isn't sick.

I try to paste a smile on my face, keep a laugh in my voice, but I find it turning to a scowel, the laugh to an edge and I feel myself pushing people away.

I want to be like some of my fellow bloggers who are dealing with cancer in their lives who always talk about their faith in God and are always so positive and inspiring but I just don't know how. I don't understand how some of these women even get out of bed every day let alone find the time or the strength to make me laugh. Currently they are even making me angry and bitter.

This sucks. A friend said that to me today and it was one of the best things anyone has said at all. THIS SUCKS. It's so simple, yet so fitting and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops.

The only thing I ask is for prayers and good vibes for my mother. Don't waste time or effort or prayers on me b/c she needs your thoughts a hell of a lot more than I do right now. I know I made this post all about me, and how I'm feeling, but it is my blog isn't it?
Also, wear sun screen, stop going tanning, wear hats and long sleeves in the sun and get an annual screening for skin cancer. Go to ccmac.org for more information.

Think-About Thursday 08-19-10

I know I haven't been around much and for that I appologize. I thank you all for sticking around and for all the words of encouragement lately.

I had 2 job interviews next week and a potential part time free lance gig in the works... hopefully something happens soon b/c I'm starting to panic with only 3 or 5 paid work days left before I am out of a job.

Most of you know my mother has been fighting cancer the past few months. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, okay a LOT overwhelmed right now and I will try to keep up with my blog as best as I can. This blog has become so important to me and I have no intentions of taking a full break from blogging or anything like that, I just can't promise daily funny posts right now. I hope you'll stay and come on this leg of the journey with me.

Think-About Thursday 07-08-10 + a late Workout Wednesday!

So, yesterday I had a fabulous workout. I spent the first 1/3 of my day at the camp I'm working at this week. There was lots of moving boxes and equipment, and a lot of running with the kids during one of the games we play.
Then I spent the next part of my day in my sauna of an apartment and sweated off like 8 million pounds.
The last part of the day (that I was awake for) consisted of swimming in my parents' pool while playing with my niece and nephew. AWESOME workout and TONS of fun. good times.

My niece is going to be 16 next month. 16!
This is not allowed to happen. I don't understand where the past 11 years went. It seems like just yesterday she was at MY sweet 16. She was so little and adorable and snuggly.
Now, she's a teenager! Who wears bikini tops, and has a facebook profile.
It's all too much to handle.
All of "my" babies are growing up so fast! She's going to be 16, my god daughter is going into middle school in September, my nephew, who due to bad timing everyone in highschool thought was mine (that's a blog post of it's own lol) is 9, my youngest niece just celebrated her fourth birthday and her first dance recital...the baby of the family is already going to be 1!
Lord Hill's niece is almost as tall as me...

Where does the time go?!? I'm getting all teary eyed just thinking about it.

Workout Wednesday - Fishing Edition

Once again I spent Wednesday fishing. This time it was just my dad, Lord Hill, and I. It was a much more relaxing trip this time around. The weather was amazingly perfect. The fish were biting, not as good as last week but there was some action. No keepers...
My workout consisted of lugging equipment to and from the boat and fighting with giant horse shoe crabs and some fish.

Dad's big catch of the day. Not as big as last week but still a nice fish, and in NJ it would have been a keeper.

Lord Hill caught a few baby fish, this was one of many.

He also caught a nice sized fish. About 18 inches - again a keeper in NJ but not in NY.

My fabulously large prehistoric creature which is actually one of very few living fossils...the Horseshoe Crab.

(The horseshoe crab is also on several endangered species lists and it is unlawful for most people to possess them. They are used for medical research and help save human lives but are always released after testing.)

Lord Hill catching yet another fish. No fair.

The men trying to fix our engine troubles. We were stuck for a little while there. Thankfully they got it started. I had no interest in adding "Paddled boat back to shore" to my workout post today.

That's it for now... more photos of the two fishing trips will be getting there own post.

What kind of workout did you do today?

Trendy Treehouse Shutter Love Tuesday - "Summer Fun"

Last Weds my dad, my 11 year old niece, Lord Hill and I rented a little boat and went fishing for Summer Flounder aka Fluke.
This was the biggest fish we my dad caught. It was 19 inches. 2 inches shy of the "keeper size" It was a shame b/c it was a gorgeous fish. If we were in NJ it would have been a keeper.

We're heading out on the boat again tomorrow. This time it'll just be dad, Lord Hill, and myself. I can't wait!

Think About Thursday Part II

Thank you so much to all of you who offered prayers, support, and good vibes today.

It paid off. I got a clean bill of health! Well, as far as the skin cancer is concerned. The doc said I need to get checked every 6 months bc I have a lot of atypical moles and fair skin, and a bad family history. She said she was surprised at how good I seemed to be especially with the sunburn I showed up with.

My mother, father, and Lord Hill did not get away so easy. They all have to be seen for further evuation/testing on spots of their own. I'm so glad my dad and Lord Hill got checked. My mom just did it for "fun" since she gets checked every few months anyway. The doc who checked us works at the hospital my mom's cancer is/was being treated at.

Do a self exam monthly. If you can, have a friend or family member check the spots you can't see. Take digital phots of any marks you hav e so that you can moniter them and notice any changes. Marks larger than a pencil eraser should be seen by a doctor.

For more info visit CCMAC.org

Think About Thursday Part I

It's 12:31 AM and I'm sitting in bed thinking. Worrying. The hubby and the dog are outside and the cats are too busy trying to beat the heat, to bother with me tonight.

So I'm posting in the dark, in my bed, from my phone.

Tomorrow (today technically) I am going for a skin cancer screening. I haven't had one in about a decade and with my personal history, combined with my family history, that is not a good thing.

Please send good vibes my way. All I can think about is the pain and fear that my mom has been dealing with since being diagnosed with melonoma again a few months back. She just finished her radiation treatments this month. I'm scared. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying not to worry about something that I have no control over. I'm trying to hand it all over to God.

*sigh* It's now 1:35 AM
Gnite.

Workout Wednesday 6-23-10

Today's post will have to be a short one as I am still feeling the effects of today's activities.

Today's workout was super fun. Lord Hill, my daddy, my niece, and myself all went fishing! We rented a small boat on the South Shore and had a fabulous day. We had to carry all of the equipment from the car down to the boat. My dad even looked surprised when he realized how much heavy stuff I had thrown in my bag to carry down.

Add to that all of the fighting with the fish and trying to stay balanced on the boat and all of the holding on for dear life while my 11 year old niece drove, plus carrying everything BACK to the car I'd say it was a pretty good workout!

What was your workout like today?

Trendy Treehouse Shutter Love Tuesday - "A Father's Love"

This is my brother and his daughter Gracie. I love how he looks at her!

Trendy Treehouse Shutter Love Tuesday - "Smiles"

As usual please click photo for a larger version.
This is my nephew. Mom's lock up your daughter's b/c with a smile like that, and his blue eyes, you just KNOW some hearts are going to get broken.