My "New Normal"

I have been in an awful mood all day. All week really, and while I thought it was b/c it was the first Christmas since my mom passed away, I realized that wasn't really it. It's b/c the 29th marks 6 months since my mom died.
"my mom died" is still such a weird thing to say. doesn't feel real. yet, after 6 months it is slowly becoming the "new normal" that everyone told me to expect.
"Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be normal ever again. You'll find a new normal."
I hated those people. Yet... 6 months later and here it is.
Normal or "new normal" doesn't mean what I thought they meant. I am not happy, I am not okay, I am sure as hell not over it.

Let me tell you a little bit about my new normal.

• Crying. It has become perfectly normal to cry every single day for 6 months straight. 
• I have come to realize that what I thought was anxiety and panic attacks was really just the tip of the iceberg. Anxiety levels of about a 6 have become my "new normal"
•  It's now normal to feel like no one on the entire planet can possibly understand what has happened. 
• Fear of phone calls and the inability to reach someone by phone for fear that it means something horrible has happened is totally normal. ( I think I finally understand why my mother in law always answers the phone with "what happened??")
• Accepting that i'm totally helpless and cannot protect or save anyone or anything I love, normal. 
• People looking at me with *that* look, the "that poor girl" look has become normal. 
• People appologizing for saying the words "mom, mother, mommy" is also part of my new normal. 

This list could go on forever, and I'm not trying to worry anyone or get sympathy from anyone. I'm sure that eventually there will be another "new normal" for me. But people were right, eventually a new routine starts to develop and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love the person or miss them with all your heart, it means you have gotten some of their strength to help you through. You do what you have to do to survive. Grief comes in waves, some are bigger and stronger than others, but when you hit the crest of the biggest and scariest wave, you can see the miles of calm ocean behind it and know that you'll make it through.

For all of you who have lost someone close to you, I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I'd love it if you'd be willing to share a few words about them, or about your grief process in the comments or if you'd prefer, by email. No normal, new or otherwise, is doable without support.

The New Me!

The past 6 months have been... trying, to say the least. So much has changed and a lot of the time it has felt like things were spinning completely out of control. When I start to feel like I've lost control of my life I have a long standing habit of changing the one thing I have complete control of. My hair. Usually I just dye it, or cut it, but under the circumstances neither of those seemed like enough. SO, I chopped it all off and dyed it red.

What do you think?

Oh, and I've also started getting my nails done again. I always feel much more lady like when my nails are done.

What do you do when the world seems to be getting a little too chaotic?

Big Waves Don't Mean You Are Going to Drown

My nephew Brady's birthday party today. It was fabulous and I ate way too much delicious food. My sister in law makes the most amazing home made mac & cheese. I promise to get the recipe to share it with you at a later date. I got to spend time with adorable kids and get lots of sticky hugs and kisses. I got to wish my oldest niece a happy 17th birthday (which was bittersweet all on it's own, where did my little girl who hid under the table eating cookies go and who is this young woman who took her place!?!?). 

I had fun, but my heart could not ignore the fact that someone was missing.

To make it even harder, today is the anniversary of the day that Tango went into the emergency clinic. Tonight around 3am will be the anniversary of his death. My heart is breaking all over again just thinking about him. If you are new to this blog, Tango was the best little dog in the world. He WAS my world. You can read about his passing and the impact it had on me here. You can see 5 awesome photos of him here.

I made the decision to see a grief counselor to help me learn how to cope with my mom's death. She told me that grief is like waves, some waves are bigger than others, but that doesn't mean we have to drown. She also reminded me that waves come in, but then they go out. Sometimes they are big, and sometimes they are small. I realized that waves even if they are tiny, always hit the shore, so the grief will never go away, but at some point it will be managable. Well, today was like a tsunami. I wasn't quite sure I was going to get through it, but like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I just hope the "sea" is calmer tomorrow, because treading water is getting exhausting.