Update on my "New Normal"

"I can't sleep. That's a lie, I fell asleep but awoke startled and can't fall back asleep. I keep thinking the phone is going to ring. Worst phone call ever. You'd think I'd be able to trick my brain by now but nope. 3 years after the fact and I am still fearing it. Sometimes I forget the call came, sometimes I pick up the phone to call her. Sometimes I pick something out in the store for her bc it would make her smile but instead it makes me cry. Three years of guilt, three years of anxiety, three years of a heartache my words will never give justice to. Three years that have flown by and yet they've taken an eternity. Three years Does this ever get easier?."

This is my facebook status from last night. Or early this morning I guess is more accurate since it was posted at 4AM.

While I don't think it will ever get BETTER, I can say that my "new normal" has changed yet again and that some days have gotten easier than they were before.

Running has definitely taken my life in a new direction. It's become a type of therapy for me.
This weekend I dedicated my miles to my mom.
I wound up running my fastest mile one day and my fastest 5K the next. 

Whatever you do in life, just keep moving forward and remember that you're looking for progress, not perfection. 

These mantras have become part of my new normal, and running has too. I run for those who can't, including my mom.

Transformation Tuesday - Week 1

My friends and family know that I LOVE social media. I love it. It gives me a chance to show the world the me that I see. I get to edit my life into a story that reflects what I want the world to see while allowing me to see the world of others that they want me to see. It's all very carefully crafted whether most people wish to admit it or not. This is not to say that I only show my good side, far from it. Some days I am overly dramatic because I need the internet to give me a big old hug and tell me that I'm special. It happens. If I didn't want attention I wouldn't have a facebook, twitter, instagram, or this blog. 

The thing is though over the past few months I have realized that the editing I've been doing hasn't been because I don't want the rest of the world to see me a certain way. It's because I didn't like seeing me a certain way. I was embarassed, or despressed, or something... I don't know. But I wasn't hiding from YOU. I was hiding from me. 

I've been using the transformation Tuesday hashtag for months now. "Well then Lady Hill," you may ask,  "why are you calling this post Week 1?"

This is week one of my mental and emotional transformation not just the physical.
As the weight came off you'd think I would be able to see it. You'd think that I felt good or sexy or at least empowered. I haven't. I still see the same "fat girl" I've been seeing for the past few years. 

I took a chance. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and purchase a new bathing suit. It's the first 2 piece bathing suit I have owned since I was 21 years old.
It's cute right??

While I may not be at the point of being comfortable enough to post photos of me in it on the internet, I was comfortable enough to wear it out of the fitting room and into the middle of Nordstrom to show Lord Hill how it fit. I took that as a sign to mean it was meant to be and realized just how far I had come physically and emotionally over the last 6 months. 

We were cleaning out our bedroom and donating clothes and it was so amazing to be able to donate clothing that didn't fit because it was too big. I decided to hold on to 2 pairs of shorts because I don't really own others and they had fit in Disney back in January. Well, it was hot the other day so I decided to put a pair on. It fell right off! I tried on the second pair and they were huge too.

I couldn't find a photo of me wearing them in January since I spent most of that trip in bed with the Flu (blech) but this is me wearing the shorts in 2011 next to a photo of me wearing them this week.

This is the photo from my previous blog post. I know not all of you follow me on instagram.

If you don't already follow me on instagram, you should. Go find @ladyhill and show me some love.

Progress

This is a side by side of January 2009 and January 2014.

I have been on and off the weightloss bandwagon since 2006. I never really tried anything serious and always have up.

Being depressed makes it hard to follow through with things and being over weight makes me depressed. The cycle felt never ending.

To be honest, I've been sick since sometime in 2013. A few ER visits, CT scans, blood tests, ultra sounds, and a recent hospital stay over New Year's Eve with biopsies, surgical procedures etc and I still don't know what I'm sick with.

It's depressing. 

So instead of laying in bed and being miserable I decided to "look on the sunny side" and use this mystery illness as a jump point for my weight loss journey. 

I will find some photos that are a bit more recent to show you the real current progress with the weight but these photos serve a different purpose. 

Look at me on the left. I'm in Disney for the first time in over a decade and while I was ecstatic to be there Inhated having my picture taken. I think it shows. 

Look at me on the right. I look like a totally different person. 

I feel like a different person. 

I am on my way to being the LADY I've always wanted to be, MYSELF. 

Finding comfort in my skin

I posted a photo on Instagram last night. I was feeling pretty good about the fact that a pair of shorts I've had for years had to be donated because they didn't fit. They were huge. I took a photo in the style of those weight loss ads. "then vs now" 

I felt good. I was proud. I posted it.

All day long I have felt anxious about it being up there. I have been embarrassed and felt like I shouldn't have posted it.

The photo only got 5 "likes" all but one of which were from strangers. This did not help my anxiety or self esteem. Sure, the time of the post could have had something to do with it. The day of the week. Whatever. But in my head it's because I am fat/ugly/scarred/ and just unpleasant to look at. No one "favorites" "likes" or "double taps" the ugly, fat, scarred chick. 

When I got home I contemplated deleting the image. I had every intention of doing so. Then I saw an image of someone larger than me doing almost the exact same thing as me. You know what? I double tapped that photo so fast my thumb almost blistered. I was so proud of her! She looked amazing. I got sad and hoped that she didn't look at herself the way I look at MYself. I hope she sees the progress, the determination, the hope, and the beauty that I see when I look at her photo. 

Then I realized that maybe she (or someone like her) was thinking the same thing about me. Even if just one of those 5 people who took the time to "like" my photo felt that way... What would it mean if I took it down?

So I left it up. For the world to see. For the world to judge. It's there. The before photo was from 2011 but the shorts for last summer. They were a size 11. I said goodbye to them yesterday. Today I said goodbye to the fear.

Follow me on Instagram @ladyhill to see the photo.

I Run for the Bling (and charity) - Virtual Races

People ask me why I run. It's a very simple answer.
BLING.
I love shiny things. I love medals. I know that I could just buy myself some medals and be done but it's not the same. I want the glory that goes along with the bling.

The problem is that it gets expensive to register for all of these races and then travel to them. I also can't request all of these weekends off from work. That's when an amazing thing happened. Someone told me about Virtual Races.

I was hooked.

A virtual race is a "race" that you get to run on your own time, at your own location. Sometimes there are specific dates or a date range that gives you time to finish it, but all of the ones I have done allow you to finish using your own goals.
The distance for the race can vary. Some are 5k, 10k, 13.1 miles or 26.2 miles. Some don't have a set distance. Some you pick your distance when you sign up, others you don't have to tell them anything.

Cost for virtual races can vary significantly. I only sign up for the ones with medals. I pick and choose based on two criteria.
#1 - the medal design. It has to be awesome. Has to be something that I wouldn't get if I signed up for a local race.

#2 - the charity. Yes, you read that right, the charity. A LOT of virtual races are started as a way to raise money for charities. I've signed up for a few that were organized by individuals trying to raise the money for their charity sponsorship of a "real" race they were doing. I've also signed up for a few that just take part of the proceeds and donate them to a charity that I care about like the American Cancer Society, Ronald McDonald House, or Make a Wish Foundation.

I recently signed up for a super cool race series by donating to Saint Jude's Children's Hospital in honor of someone who is signed up as a charity racer for them. Are you ready to see the medals I will be receiving? I don't think you're ready...
It's the Frozen for Cures Virtual Race Series. By signing up for the full series I got a bonus medal. I am SO excited about this. You can sign up by visiting THIS LINK. It's for a great cause.

The organizer of this series has another series going as well. I know there are a lot of you who will appreciate this one. It's the Magical Friendship Virtual Race Series. You can register HERE and you'll get these amazing medals. Look how they all connect when you register for the full series!

I have signed up for several other virtual races and I will post photos and links for them once I've completed my goal distance for each.
I have found that signing up for virtual runs helps me get motivated for my training for my "actual" races that I have coming up.

Do you run for bling? What's your favorite medal in your collection?