I felt good. I was proud. I posted it.
All day long I have felt anxious about it being up there. I have been embarrassed and felt like I shouldn't have posted it.
The photo only got 5 "likes" all but one of which were from strangers. This did not help my anxiety or self esteem. Sure, the time of the post could have had something to do with it. The day of the week. Whatever. But in my head it's because I am fat/ugly/scarred/ and just unpleasant to look at. No one "favorites" "likes" or "double taps" the ugly, fat, scarred chick.
When I got home I contemplated deleting the image. I had every intention of doing so. Then I saw an image of someone larger than me doing almost the exact same thing as me. You know what? I double tapped that photo so fast my thumb almost blistered. I was so proud of her! She looked amazing. I got sad and hoped that she didn't look at herself the way I look at MYself. I hope she sees the progress, the determination, the hope, and the beauty that I see when I look at her photo.
Then I realized that maybe she (or someone like her) was thinking the same thing about me. Even if just one of those 5 people who took the time to "like" my photo felt that way... What would it mean if I took it down?
So I left it up. For the world to see. For the world to judge. It's there. The before photo was from 2011 but the shorts for last summer. They were a size 11. I said goodbye to them yesterday. Today I said goodbye to the fear.
Follow me on Instagram @ladyhill to see the photo.