To blog or not to blog...

that is the question right now.

How do you decide whether or not to share personal information on your blog? How do you decide whether the support of your readers and friends outweighs the fact that your family may be reading and find out things they did not know? How do you keep them from being upset? How do you know when something is supposed to be a secret? Have you ever been afraid that once you put it on your blog it suddenly becomes real? That you can't take it back and that once it's out in the universe there is no turning back? How do you face the fear that people will think you're writing about something just to get attention when really all you're looking for is support?

I guess I'm about to find out.

My mom has cancer. I may have mentioned it in passing over the past year or so, it's not the first time she has had cancer. She battled lung cancer when I was little, and melanoma when I was a bit older. She has survived massive heart attacks and diabetes. But this cancer is fighting back. This cancer is being a real asshole. A stage iv asshole to be exact.

I am angry. No, that doesn't quite do it justice. The anger I feel burns so hot I feel like I may explode. I want to scream. All the time. I want to punch walls. I want to break everything that I see. Yet, I silently cry myself to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night mid silent scream, and let the silent tears roll down my cheek throughout the day. With all this anger and sadness and fear that is just ready to explode, I am unusually quiet.

I have never felt more alone. While my husband and friends have been great, quick to offer "anything at all" in an effort to help. The only thing I need they can't provide. A mom that isn't sick.

I try to paste a smile on my face, keep a laugh in my voice, but I find it turning to a scowel, the laugh to an edge and I feel myself pushing people away.

I want to be like some of my fellow bloggers who are dealing with cancer in their lives who always talk about their faith in God and are always so positive and inspiring but I just don't know how. I don't understand how some of these women even get out of bed every day let alone find the time or the strength to make me laugh. Currently they are even making me angry and bitter.

This sucks. A friend said that to me today and it was one of the best things anyone has said at all. THIS SUCKS. It's so simple, yet so fitting and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops.

The only thing I ask is for prayers and good vibes for my mother. Don't waste time or effort or prayers on me b/c she needs your thoughts a hell of a lot more than I do right now. I know I made this post all about me, and how I'm feeling, but it is my blog isn't it?
Also, wear sun screen, stop going tanning, wear hats and long sleeves in the sun and get an annual screening for skin cancer. Go to ccmac.org for more information.